The_loop

I’m stuck in a loop. I do the same things everyday. I have similar emotions, I have the same frustrations. I’m not in control, I am just the awareness. One of these days I’ll stop fighting a war against myself and my feelings and do something but that day wasn’t today and something tells me it’s not happening tomorrow either.

Tracking my emotions has revealed a complete lack of strong emotional experiences. My whole experience is devoted to the most mild annoyances and joys. I live and wish for my own death based on the smallest things. My life is the smallest it’s ever been. Some days, like today, it feels like that’s just what my life is supposed to be. Other days it feels like something I’m trying to problem solve my way out of.

I hadn’t thought of the loop as a trauma response before the therapist bought it up. It feels like this is partially correct for me. There’s some part of my personality that’s latched onto this response and integrated it into my identity. I don’t know who I am without this habit of information consumption. I’ve noticed myself coming to a pause in the loops more and more, searching for the meaning initially but now I’m really searching for the feelings and really trying to stitch them back into the narrative. The unpleasant emotions are all that anyone can see in me and therefore I’m unpleasant seems to run my life. I allow interaction here and there but I’ve pretty much stopped living with people. Honoring the parts of me that feel rejected, ugly, pathetic and letting them feel safe by letting them run the show is just a radical form of self acceptance right?

Never ever would have thought that my search for meaning would require this radical re-centering of my awareness onto my emotions. I always thought that meaning would come from being in the perfect environment - a tough fantasy to let go of. The perfect environment will never exist and so I should cultivate a supportive and compassionate internal environment that allows all the subagents that comprise me to co-exist in relative harmony and peace. There’s no relationship which is more important to my personal development and life satisfaction.