WitchingHours

Witching Hours

Noticing a pattern where I am kind of stuck or busy with shit for the whole day. Not really satisfied much outside of a few hours in the morning where I can get into a proper flow state. The afternoon kinda drags into the evening where I feed myself something and hopefully pick something to do till I need to sleep. If not I kind of obsessively seek something so beautiful or novel it will give all the seeking meaning. Everything forgiven. Purification. Before I was medicated I’d kind of not really exist much outside of that state but I now seem to get this pick up in mental openness just after midnight. The old day is dead and the new day is all possibility and anything I start or explore swells and expands into that wondrous space.

Being on psychiatric medication gives me access to such subtly distinct emotional states that if feels difficult to hold together a coherent sense of who I am and how I should act on a granular level to align my life with my values. Maybe it’s just a dopamine crash as the reuptake inhibitors fall below a certain threshold and I get access to a clarity of emotion that’s usually overwhelming at times when unmedicated but completely inaccessible (barring extreme circumstances) under the effects of MPHCL. I live somewhere between, “what did you do to me?!” and “fuck I wish I was better” and I need to have a personality and run a life too.

It’s probably not the healthiest for me long term but the way I think around this time of the day always leaves me feeling sad that I have to go to sleep. Existing between the expectations is not enough but it does feel safe. My life is a system that feels like it’s on the edge of collapse and I’m trying desperately not to hate or hurt myself for the way things are. I’m working on replacing discipline with devotion. The only way out is through.